Koi. Just because they are big fish and pretty.

My husband and I were talking about apologies last evening. We had been discussing boorish behavior revealed by the MeToo movement as contrasted by the genuinely criminal behavior of Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein.

I can forgive the guy who makes a stupid joke or a failed pass. But what about the cases of men who double down on a stupid move by harassing and threatening the careers of women? How bad before borderline become brutality? How bad does it have to be before action pass into unforgivable?

At what point does a mistake become abuse? Is the line so very hard to see? I don’t think it’s all that difficult to define where a mistake becomes a failure to offer basic respect. You make a modest error, and instead of threatening to damage a woman’s career, you apologize. You don’t wait years, you don’t pretend it didn’t happen, you don’t blame her for anything, and you don’t apologize to one woman while ignoring the other two or six or sixteen you abused. You recognize you have been a jerk and say, Sorry! right off. Then you do not do it again.

If, let’s say, you accuse someone of having a bad temper while standing over them and yelling, and while the person you are yelling at is worried because her husband has gone to the doctor and been taken to the ER; or you have yelled at a teacher and called her “vindictive” because she asked your son to rewrite an essay that failed to follow directions, after several papers where the same student didn’t follow directions. It is not enough to stop. “Sorry” is the missing word.

Sucking up to someone later to avoid admitting you have been a jerk is not the same as apologizing. “Being nice” or claiming: “I didn’t intend for your feelings to be hurt” is not the same as apologizing.

An apology begins with “I’m sorry” and moves on from there.

Some people seem to have trouble with those words. Some women have trouble saying they are sorry, too, but mostly it seems to be men. Last night, I said I was glad both our sons and my husband were able to do that.

“Well,” my husband offered mildly, “it’s different for a man to apologize.”

I thought: male ego? Cultural demands for masculine behavior? “Is it?” I said.

“No,” Gary said.

I laughed.

Gary said, “If you’re an asshole you’re an asshole and you should apologize.”

Well, you see why I married him 44 years ago, right? Our sons take after their dad. I am proud that they consider the consequences of their actions. They care about justice. They care about what is right. They aren’t perfect people. Who is?

Gary ordered six CDs today. “I got carried away.” I don’t mind. He loves music the way I love yarn. He’s entitled. (And he’s not sorry.)

On the other hand, we all make mistakes sometimes. We lose our temper or say something we wish we hadn’t. We do or say things we are sorry for.

When that happens, we should just say it: I’m sorry.

We should mean it.

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