what should I do?

We are continually surprised by people we thought we “knew.” Just the other day a local woman I’ve known for forty years asked for my email address, which has the word “pride” in it.

“Does that ‘pride” word stand for something?” she wanted to know.

“Yes,” I said, “it was my grandmother’s maiden name.”

Then she launched into a whole thing about the word “pride” is “triggering” and a “trigger-word” that “we need to take back that word.”

And I thought, really? Gay pride is triggering? …Who are you?

My older son complained that he had emailed a journal three times last year asking when a paper he’d authored that was due to be published. They finally responded to his email the day before yesterday.

I’m not sure why, but I said: karma is a bitch.

He countered that I had corrected that use of the word karma decades ago.

Oh, right. I know better.

Westerners are inclined to use the term “karma” as shorthand for “What goes around comes around” or “As you sew, so shall you reap” and “He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword.” Which is not at all the meaning of the term, but we pretend it has to do with just deserts. (Yes, that is correctly spelled even though it’s pronounced in this usage as “desserts.”)

I do not believe we are being punished, despite considerable evidence to the contrary. Life does not work that way. We do not always or with any consistency receive punishment in life for misdeeds and rewards for virtue. It seems like it might be nice, but no.

We should feel better about ourselves when we are kind and generous and open-minded, but too often the kind, generous, and open-minded among us are the very ones who question our own motives and experience remorse over minor failings.

Never mind.

And anyway, that is not what karma means, in its original use. Karma is more like destiny. More like the path we are supposed to follow at various stages of our life as child, student, parent, and on to a quiet retirement.

The other day we found 23 pieces of sea glass. This was not a reward but the result of three hours of searching. On our way home, the couple who were standing in the middle of our path thought I hesitated to pass them because I was afraid of their completely pleasant dogs. It was the people themselves I was afraid of. They seemed completely amazed when I told them this. Who knows where those people have been?

There’s this pandemic? Hello? I go masked if I might come within twenty feet of someone outdoors. I am always masked before shopping for groceries. On the beach I walk well up into the rocks when people come by on the sand. I wait for them to pass. I try to keep my distance. Rarely do the people we meet seem to understand that. Maybe they trust the same magic that sends them jaywalking in Cannon Beach, speeding or crawling along. They’re on vacation and can’t be touched?

I have often joked that tourists behave as if they think: I’m on vacation, the rules do not apply to me. Maybe I’m not far off?

A new member of Congress was complaining that we needed no laws about civil rights or freedoms since we are all free according to the founders, and it’s already guaranteed. I wondered what she was thinking? Does that mean that because the Declaration of Independence says we are all granted life, therefore murder need not be declared a crime? Her reasoning was ridiculous. Flat-earthers are ridiculous. QAnon are ridiculous. How do people believe this nonsense?

We live together in a society that agrees to certain truths. Murder is wrong. Every society that has ever existed agrees that murder is wrong. Human beings have always agreed that killing for personal benefit is murder and therefore wrong. Theft, cheating, lying, breaking our promises? Wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong. We all agree. We have always agreed.

Kindness, charity, compassion, love, honesty, devotion? Right, right, right, right, right, and right. We all know this.

We do the best we can to do right. Sometimes we fail and when that happens in any society, we apologize and make amends. We do this not merely from fear of punishment, but because we want to be good. We want to be productive, useful, just members of society. We abide by laws that are not intended only for some but for all. We agree to do this as civilized people.

We do not always get what we deserve, but we should always try to give the best we can.

It’s not so much to ask.

These vacationers should not stand on the beach during an incoming tide in mid-winter. Note the recent foam in the rocks to their right. I watched this family until they picked up their children and went back inside. (Yes, they briefly put them down on the rocks.)

I have worried about my weight since I was 13 years old and weighed 117 pounds. All my girlfriends felt, as I did, that we should lose weight. I was thin. I did not understand that. I still receive the message that I should lose weight. More often I am told I should not worry about my weight.

I should smile more.

I should not make a fuss.

I should get more rest.

I should see my doctor about that.

I should trust the process to play out.

I should say less, not everything I know.

I should not let things bother me.

I should not allow unkind people to get under my skin.

Unkind people bother me. This is especially true when I am afraid the unkind person is me.

I should wear colors.

I should dye my hair.

I should put on some lipstick.

I should not take things too seriously.

I should not care about people I do not even know.

I should use the trash I find on the beach to make art.

I should read this book, or another book, or watch a video, or attend this event.

I should stay safe.

I should. I should. I should.

It was my mother who was forever after me to put on lipstick. The “you-shoulds” began early in my life and they never seem to stop. My husband and I pick up trash on the beach most mornings. Most people ignore us. None offer to help. Instead they describe seeing “art” made from beach trash. “You should see what this guy made with beach litter!” They think I should do that.

There are times when I feel completely at a loss for what I should do. Should I revise this manuscript again? Should I do more research about that one? Should I abandon the goal of publication and save myself enormous disappointment? Should I? Should I finish the warp on my loom and warp a new one? Will I ever reread most of my books? Should I let most of those books go?

Should I sell my family home and move someplace safer? Where is that safety?

These days I find I appreciate the marvelous diversity of lives. The couple who work and perhaps raise a family, perhaps pay off a mortgage, take a vacation to Hawaii just once, and slip silently into death without making leaving behind much more than a few fond memories. Should they have done something differently? The couple who spent their lives striving toward wealth and then discover late on that it doesn’t make their lives meaningful, or perhaps they fail to achieve that understanding. Have they wasted talent? The couple who sacrifice and demand sacrifice from others in pursuit of artistic, cultural, social, or personal goals. Was their sacrifice worthwhile? Was the sacrifice of others worthwhile? Which couple would I rather have for parents?

For more than two weeks I was ill. I am only just now feeling healthy. I coughed a bit last night and woke, but no meds, no coughing today so far, no body aches, no fever is a week. I missed my beach walks, I stayed in the house most days. I could not read for more than a few minutes at a time. I could write only in tiny fits and starts. I ate most of two bags of honey-dijon chips—not the individual serving size. I deliberately forced myself to eat three full meals a day but managed to lose two pounds during the week. I responded promptly to student emails, but I have not been able to score their essays—the necessary sustained energy is still beyond me.

My sense of obligation never entirely leaves me. I know plenty of people, even many teachers, who are able to turn off their concern long enough to get healthy. I wish I could. I should be able to do that. But like a lot of other “shoulds” I can not turn them off.

I should score my students’ papers by Wednesday.

I should eat healthy and not worry.

I should get off my computer.

I am 66, walk most every day, and today I weigh 145 pounds.

I should lose weight.