Essayist and memoirist William Kittredge was born in Portland, Oregon but lives now in Missoula, Montana, I think. He did a presentation at my first MFA residency about writing an essay. He insisted that he couldn’t tell anyone how to write an essay, and then he did. Define a problem by telling a story about it. Then propose a solution by telling another story. Explain why that solution won’t work with another story . . . at least that’s how I remember it.

This assignment works a lot like that and is straight out of my high school playbook. I have written it many times and I can always make myself laugh because it’s silly and satisfying. It can be written in one sitting, but I like to do it one paragraph at a time. In a classroom, we draft the first paragraph on a Monday in twenty minutes, and I would allow students a few more minutes to complete it—working on a new step each day, by Friday students had a complete draft. They had to count their words and meet the minimum. Two hundred words is not a long paragraph and most students wrote closer to two-fifty words. It doesn’t matter too much.

ASSIGNMENT:  Write an essay of five or more paragraphs humorously addressing a minor real life problem (no pornographic or vulgar problems or serious problems like world hunger), propose a silly or ridiculous solution, identify the flaws of your solution, review other silly and reasonable options for solving the problem, and conclude what is being done and should be done to address the problem. We’re joking!  One step at a time. 

 

#1 the PROBLEM Hook your reader and explain the problem you are concerned about by telling a true short story about your personal experience with this problem—an anecdote. Explain why it bothers you, maybe explain why it’s bigger than it looks—show the big picture. State the overall problem in a sentence at the end—your thesis.  The toughest thing about this paragraph for many people is telling too much of the story. Write about 200 words.  very short story, big picture, thesis sentence

#2 a SOLUTION Propose a satirical “ridiculous” solution to your problem, one that is not vicious (no decapitations!).  This solution is not realistic, it must seem both sincere and silly.  Explain how your solution would work. Make it sound as reasonable as you can, step by step, in detail. Don’t hurt anyone with the solution, not even as a joke. In paragraph #2, I have proposed an “idiot gun” that shoots darts into the back of bad drivers’ cars with a huge banner proclaiming the driver and idiot. I have commandeered a flock of trained seagulls to poop on the spotlights shining on the beach. A student imagined a trap door that would open under his mother’s feet and drop her in a pile of dirty laundry when she asked if he had any homework. None of these solutions in possible or practical, some are completely unfair and foolish. No worries. You’ll be admitting that in paragraph #2. Have fun with this, explain why it is a satisfying solution. In my experience this is at least a medium length paragraph. Write about 200 words.   

#3 the HOWEVER Explain the problems with your ridiculous solution. Think hard and enumerate them all. Be specific. Consider safety, expense, practicalities, legalities, fairness, other considerations. Perhaps even some of the problems with the solution are silly! You should have at least four problems with your solution. In my experience this is medium length paragraph. Write about 200 words.   concede the flaws in your silly solution

#4 other OPTIONS What else could be done or is being done about this problem?  Again, be specific, briefly describing each option in a sentence. These options may include both realistic and silly possibilities. You should have at least six options with your solutions, each explained briefly and carefully. This is usually my longest paragraph, sometimes I must break it into two.  Write  about 200 words.  consider many options [NOTE: sometimes this one gets out of hand with too many options. You can carve back to the best one later or make two paragraphs.]

#5 CONCLUSION Redefine your problem. Summarize the good, the bad, and the ridiculous. What has been done, is being done, will be done, should be done? What are the consequences of this “real life” situation? Revisit your anecdote at the beginning—what did you do in that situation and how did it turn out? Are you satisfied with your on-the-spot reaction or could you do things differently? Step back from your rage, frustration, and spite—be sensible here.  In my experience this is a medium to long paragraph. Write about 200 words.  recap, reconsider, get real [NOTE: again, sometimes this gets out of hand. You can carve back or make two paragraphs.]

You can add to your satire after the first draft that explain the problem, offer a solution, agree or disagree with your solution. The sources themselves can be ridiculous. Write long, butcher back.

The most important part of any essay is our ideas and what we write, but an essential part of this assignment is to eventually acknowledge that this really is a trivial complaint. And even though we’re kidding, the joke goes over better if we “tell it with a straight face.” 

And, of course, I won’t be looking over your shoulder or giving you a stamp when you achieve content and word count for each paragraph. Bill Kittredge advised aiming for the same length of paragraphs throughout. You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to do any of this.

But if you write this assignment, it will make you smile. I think I can promise that.

And a reminder that this is National Poetry Month—a reminder to me since I have ignored this for almost a week. (for several years I used to post a poetry prompt each day of April). I think it might be fun to write this as a poem. Maybe “fun” is the wrong word. Engrossing? Better than watching a bad series on Netflix? A form poem would be particularly challenging. Villanelle? Sestina? Anyone? Anyone?