Idiot Drivers

I drive a small car, my husband’s little red Honda Civic hatchback, and one thing I that makes me crazy is when drivers of giant SUVs come right up behind me and tailgate.  A couple of days ago I was driving home from work and an SUV merged from highway 26 onto highway 101 right behind me.  I could tell the driver was mad at me that I didn’t brake to let him in in front of me because he waited till his merging lane ended before he slowed and cut in about five feet behind me.  The speed limit changes to 55 mph right about there and I was speeding up but I kept speeding up to a little above the speed limit and even so he tailgated me all the way to the passing lane.  He whipped on by me in the left lane and then moved back into my lane about a hundred feet ahead of me and slowed back to the same speed he was going before he passed me.  So what was the big deal about passing me if he didn’t actually want to go any faster?  He just had to be in front of me.  It just shows America is a dangerous place to drive.  I am more likely to die on American roads than in most nations of the world.  There are 15.2 deaths/100,000 in the U.S. compared to 6.0 deaths/100,000 in the United Kingdom.  In fact, a German data base survey of twenty-eight participating countries showed most reporting death rates in the single digits with only Portugal, Poland, Greece, Korea, and Luxembourg showing higher death rates than the U.S. (“Selected Risk Values”).  We’re all a little crazy on U.S. roads. Something must be done to make the road safe from crazy drivers.     

There should be some way to safely respond immediately to the stupidity of drivers who tailgate, cut people off in traffic, or drive way too slow or too fast.  My solution is to issue an “idiot pistol” to all drivers in good standing.  This gun would be turret mounted on the top of my car and respond to verbal direction.  I would simply say the license number or describe the location of an offending driver’s car and say “fire.”  The idiot pistol would shoot a dart directly into the back of the car where it would harmless attach itself and release a large two-foot orange and purple flag saying “IDIOT!”  I would feel revenged right away and for a month the driver would have to drive around with a sign proclaiming him an idiot.  There would be no permanent damage to the car, but if a single driver accumulated four flags in a four week period while offending four drivers in four separate incidents of stupidity, the car would be impounded.  Of course, everyone makes mistakes once in a while and this would act as an immediate reminder and lesson to all drivers, while seriously punishing drivers who consistently drive like idiots.  

I like the idea of punishing offenders on the spot and firing darts into the back a cars could certainly make me feel better when I’m cut off in traffic, but even I can see there are problems with my plan.  I’m as susceptible as anyone to irritation, bad temper, and error.  My goal is to make the roads safe from foolish drivers, but shooting at them could be counterproductive.  I could end up acting like an idiot myself and chase down another driver, succumb to road rage, or pay more attention to getting even than driving safely.  I might overreact to an honest mistake or choose to pick on someone I have a grudge against.  Four friends could gang up on a common enemy in order to cost him his car.  Most people can’t afford to rush right out and replace an impounded car.  I know I would be in a bad spot if that happened to me.  Finally, aside from issues of safety and fairness, this system would definitely be expensive to set up and monitor and there isn’t any existing technology to safely shoot the harmless but non-removeable darts in the way I recommend.  

Nevertheless, idiot drivers are a real and ongoing problem and all sorts of strategies should be considered in order to address the problem.  There are laws dealing with these things.  We all need to respect the need to abide by laws designed to guard us against our own deep, sincere need to drive like fools at time.  I think it should be against the law to use cell phones on the road as it is in many other countries.  All drivers need to more considerate of existing laws regarding speed limit and other traffic signs, as well as use common sense about recommended speeds, spacing on the highway, and demonstrate courtesy when merging and passing.  We could brand or tattoo notice of traffic violations on people’s foreheads.  That would certainly get their attention.  Maybe it’s not legal or nice, but driving like a creep isn’t very nice either.  Too many people behave as if laws apply only to criminals and not to them.  Maybe more police on the road would help, better education when learning to drive, remedial classes for people with bad driving records.  Maybe some rock star, Sting perhaps, would take up the slogan, “Don’t be an idiot, drive sensibly” and make it cool to be a cool driver.  

In desperate moments I’ve considered desperate measures to get even with drivers who scare the pants off me.  I would like them scared too, and at least publicly embarrassed by their poor driving habits if not thrashed and arrested.  But I drive a little car and I’m not interested in declaring war on the highway.  The truth is that I can’t make others drive better, I can only practice what my husband suggests:  “Drive like they’re all crazy, because some of them really are, you know.” His attitude is international.  The Chief Superintendent of Police Traffic Headquarters in Hong Kong said just the other day: “smart drivers always assumed that other drivers were inexperienced and careless.”  After a widespread courtesy campaign, death rates in Hong Kong dropped to the record low of only 3/100,000, a fraction of what they are in the U.S.  So I think I’ll be safer if I listen to the experts and my loved ones and take care of myself without seeking revenge. I will be polite. If someone wants to merge in front of me I’ll try to let them.  If they want to drive faster, I’ll look for a place to pull over. If some motorhome is creeping along at 35 mph in a 55 zone with no passing lane for a mile, I’ll take a deep breath and ask myself why I’m in such a hurry. I don’t want to get so bent out of shape about other people’s idiocy that I become another idiot myself. Though I can’t change the rest of the world, I can try not to let the rest of the world ruin my day.